the second didn’t whammy as much

a couple of days later, here i sit with the benefit of a little introspection, having just realized that the whammy that i thought was, isnt really after all.

see, i figured a good way to reboot my career was to take an LLM and resolved to make a better life outside. of course, i am not so naive as to believe that the rot in the pinoy civilization was exclusive, but i hoped that there may be better roads to somewhere where the bleakness could be less felt. i did send applications and it was with no small measure of pride and hope that my application was received by a rather cool university in an even cooler place. got conditional admissions and waited for the fellowship grants.

the months that followed i could not even begin to describe. the closest i could get to articulating the serene hopefulness of knowing that there could be a chance is the feeling you get on the night of an exam you barely studied when you hear that a storm was coming and signal number 2 was up. it wasnt 3 yet, but man the way the rain whipped into the dorm panes just made you know, KNOW, that the 3 was coming and thus a repreive.

for months i had that privilege. i prayed, yes. but it wasnt a st. jude matter. it was more like a conversation with mother mary. the type you felt you need not burden the heavens with too much since the rest of the world needed their attention far more urgently. i was going to have it. i knew.

i didnt get it.

it hurt me so much that day. i so wanted to leave, depart, bid adieu, vamoose. i could not stand the air i breathed each day i was a lawyer here. i felt so moldy inside and i thought i'd never see the disinfecting sunshine. i dont think i could stand the tedium of applying again.

i received the regret email and it was explained that a quarter of the grants had to be devoted to african nationals, and for the rest, a preference for women applicants was to be given. of course, only the filipino can really appreciate the rut we are in but yes, africa was far far more poor. never mind that i was poor as well, but i wasnt starving. as for the women, i thought it was right. i understood the advocacy somehow. it was like jumpstarting the balance in gender. sad, however, that in the philippines, the economics deals the same rotten hand to both and without preference for either.

but beggars cant be choosers. i guess i'll try again. what's a few more spores in my soul?